Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
