No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
