I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
