If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
