Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
