When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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