He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
