Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
