Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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