remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
