I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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