I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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