Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
