Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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