He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
