Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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