I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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