I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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