I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
im on a boat
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