I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
ttyl tear gas
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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