What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
