in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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