on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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