Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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