I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
