so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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