But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
