i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there's paper in my vomit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
