Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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