Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
