I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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