you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
