You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
