decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
