My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
