And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize