when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
