Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
