I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
