my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
