I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
