He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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