Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
