There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize