youre lurking in front of me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize