thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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