I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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