someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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