Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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