At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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