On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
