I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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