i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
