how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
