Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
