I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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