so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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